After Kaktus was gone we took 3 days to do nothing. We took Bella for walks or she took us on walks. We didn’t log on to Instagram or Facebook, we just sat together talking and let the world stand still and we had a lot to talk about. Taking those days wasn’t planned they were just something we had to have. We talked about our grief, memories of him, how it felt to suddenly be only three and we found comfort in seeing how Bella finally could relax.
Missing him has come in waves. We are not denying ourselves to be happy when we can and we are not trying to push away any sadness either. It got harder after those 3 days when we had to let the world keep moving. Guilt came more and more and I started to picture him as he was when he was the goofy, happy and funny Kaktus and the thought of never seeing him again punched hard. One saturday we were watching “Stjernekamp” wich is almost like a talentshow for professional singers. It was the final and one of the singers chose a song by Coldplay – Fix you, and I went from happy to completely broken in an instant. We couldn’t fix him and we can’t fix us. Something has broken and will always leave a scar.
We are glad we had the renovations of the house to think about. It kept us busy and it gave us something to look forward to. We have been working like busy ants with very little sleep to get everything done. Though much still remains even though we have moved in.
We often took Bella to the house before moving in so she could get to know the place and the surroundings. She always went to the door of the house and was eager to go inside. She ran around smelling everything, then up the stairs to check, then down to recheck and then she got a chew to enjoy. She really looked like a building inspector that took notes and made sure every inch of the place was ok. Though a building inspector with very low standards. She was ready to move in when there was no kitchen or bathroom and a complete mess everywhere. She quickly got used to us leaving all the time to work on the house and packing in the apartment. She just slept or was busy with her food dispensing toys.
Finally the move came and we got everything over to the house. The last thing to go out of the apartment was the sofa that Bella slept on 🙂 The most important piece of furniture. She slept while we carried boxes, cleaned and groaned. The house wasn’t ready for us so we had planned to live at my mom’s for one night but we ended up staying there for 4. Though I think that was good for all of us. Bella got fun new places to walk, she got to run free in the woods, she was spoiled by my mom and she had all my attention again. In the woods she was perfect, she kept a close eye on where I was even though she had soooooo much to explore! Whenever she came to a split in the path she came back to ask wich way we were going. She also made sure my mom didn’t get lost in the woods. On walks she also came to get her if she was lagging behind.
When the day finally came for us to move, we parked outside the house and Bella was up by the door in a flash, but I told her she had to pee first. I think I heard her sigh and she ran down the steps, out on the lawn, quickly peed and then she ran back to the door impatiently waiting for us to open. Inside Bella found her spot in the sofa surrounded by chaos. There she relaxed and got something to chew or she just dozed. I am really impressed by her calm. I was expecting her to be a bit stressed and running around but she seemed to just find her place in her home. The next day she was so happy to see out of the windows and she even saw the cat! We have had a nice walk here today even though it was freezing cold and windy. We thought she would just do her business and turn home but even after running in the woods she was not really ready to go back inside. So much to explore!
Reidar tried to assemble a drawer but someone put their butt in it.
It feels strange to not have Kaktus here. He was in our vision of this home and I can picture him here. I know where he would sit, where he would sleep, what he would do and all the things he would find interesting and fun. I have his pink monkey in his chair and I keep thinking he is with us somehow. Bella really knows to comfort us as she has become much more relaxed but still has gotten much more energetic and lively. She is more curious and seems to be very happy as a lonely child. I do appreciate that I can get to know her better again. She is a lot more independent then Kaktus and that is a quality I want to preserve.